Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Goth Problems

Trying to get blacks that match after they fade in the wash.

Trying to convince the drunk frat boy who is hitting on you that you really are a guy.

Big hair, small cars.

Airport metal detectors.

Nicknames such as "that gay devil worshiping freak that dyed his hair purple".

Getting your jewelry tangled in your clothes/hair.

When your pointy toe shoes/boots get caught in the holes in the hem of your skirt.

Wearing a black turtleneck when it's 90 degrees outside.

Accidentally removing someone's nose ring with your spiked bracelet while dancing.

Getting people to look you in the eyes when you talk to them.

Getting your slave bracelet caught in your fishnets.

People declaring that your eyes are yellow, when, in fact, they are green.

Having to reach for the salt with one hand while holding back your sleeve with the other so it doesn't drag in the gravy.

Trying to find your possessions in an all black room.

Trying to get the hair-dye stains out of your towels, sink, floors, doors, ceilings, carpets, pets, furniture.

Being asked to defend your entire existence in 30 seconds or less.

Finding a detergent to get those blacks blacker.

Having little kids tug on their parent's arm and say, "Look, Mommy, isn't she pretty? I want to look like her!" while the parents grab the child and run for it.

Trying to wash dishes with those flowing sleeves.

Going out in the winter and having all the metal stuff you are wearing freeze against your exposed skin.

Getting your skirt caught on anything and everything.

Lending your eyeliner to a friend and finding out later that he's returned it without mentioning that he completely emptied the entire brand new tube.

Trying to buy mundane clothes to go job hunting in and not being able to bring yourself to buy anything with enough color.

The salt stains on the hems of skirts in winter.

Not being able to climb really small stairs because the pointy toes on your pixie boots stick out past your toes enough that you can't get your actual toes on the steps.

Trying to stand up, and getting the hooks on your left boot caught in the fishnets on your right leg. And managing to look graceful while extricating yourself.

Dancing in a corset.

Attempting to explain Goth to anyone.

Driving in a rather large cloak.

Having to wash black lipstick off of your neck.

Wearing 24 rings and getting them all stuck in various bits of lace and fishnet (not all of it yours).

Having to rush out of bed the moment you wake up just so you can get to the bank before it closes.

Convincing someone that you are straight even though you are a man wearing a skirt and makeup.

Trying to find women's clothes that fit you without it looking too obvious that that is what you are trying to do.

Wearing that HUGE cross you just bought to the club, spinning around, and knocking yourself out.

Finding that your freshly washed black t-shirt is covered in bits of lint, which while undetectable by the naked eye, show up very well under UV, thereby making you appear to have terminal dandruff.

Waking up with the most painful hangover ever, walking to the little store to get aspirin, thinking "Damn even my feet hurt like hell". Then realizing that your wearing someone else's boot's.

Trying to get seated so that the eye that you made up just right will be the one facing outward.

Wanting to go and play out in the rain but fearing it'll ruin your hair.

Being unable to decide which rings look best over the black lace gloves.

Fearing your sharply filed nails will ruin your mesh shirt!

Finding that your cape gets in the way of your cleaning tools when going to work at the graveyard.

Getting a sunburn right through your t-shirt.

Trying to ride a bicycle with a long black skirt.

Trying to ride a bicycle without reminding the people you pass of Miss Elmira Gulch, forcing them to hum the wicked witch theme from The Wizard of Oz.

Trying to type with your lace gloves on.

Everybody still thinks you are a Devil-worshiper despite all your explanations, especially if you tell them you are Pagan.

Other Pagans/Wiccans don't take you seriously because of what you look like.

Menstrual blood doesn't show that well on black panties, so you might not notice your period's began before it's too late!

Accidentally kicking things and having parts fly off because you're wearing steel toes boots.

Brushing against walls and having chips fly off because of your spiked bracelet.

Having to avoid potential self-mutilation after just finishing filing one's nails to a point.

When it's cold, your nose will be red no matter how much make-up you have on.

Trying to explain to people that the scars up and down your arms really ARE from your cat.

The extensive hair loss caused from bleaching and re-bleaching hair.

Trying to find a soap that will remove the purple hair dye stains from your hands and face.

Flicking through a magazine or a newspaper with velvet gloves on.

Trying to tell someone that you admire their footwear without making it sound like a come-on.


  1. This made me laugh out loud! I have experienced SO many of these problems before. The one thing I did find a solution to is nail polish remover will get purple/blue dye off your hands. It sucks for a second but a quick rub down and wash off does the job! :P Another goth problem that I always hated is how yellow your teeth look in black lipstick, no matter how often you whiten. ugh....I don't know how Tim Curry ever did it!

  2. I mentioned this to the folks at the Goth Grotto and they appreciated it. Thanks! :)


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